Four Years Later, I Found The Secret My Husband Was Hiding from Me
Ours is the kind of marriage outsiders see and say, “You have a good marriage.” I have a very good friend who always compares her marriage to mine and ends up saying, “You got the good one while we were made to settle for the lions in sheep clothing.” I don’t know what she had seen about my marriage that makes her believe I had the good one.
For the first five years of our marriage, he was the man I married. We didn’t have a lot but he did what he could. He provided what ought to be provided and when he couldn’t, I provided. He’s a calm man and hardly says a lot. Many of the things I know about him, I got to know through his actions. He’s hardly verbal so I have to detect his emotions through his attitude, something we’ve always talked about but had no change.
Three months after our second child was born, I noticed a huge change in his attitude. He left home and came very late in the night. He wouldn’t eat what I’d cooked and whenever I asked for money, he complained he didn’t have it. It’s life. People change so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. But it continued for so long I couldn’t keep quiet. I called him and had a discussion with him. He said, “You’re thinking too much. Nothing is changed. I’m still the Kobby you married.”
I started digging. I found out from his messages that there was a particular lady he was always talking to. Their chat didn’t sound normal though there was nothing explicit about it. I asked him, “What’s between you and that Efua girl you’ve been talking to every day?” He said, “There’s nothing between us. She’s just a teenager that I’m helping. Her father died when she was a kid. Just when she completed senior high, her mother too died. She has no one so I’m the one helping her out.” I made further inquiries and got to know that the girl was living in their hometown.
But I didn’t understand one thing. How could you help someone when you’re not able to cater to your own family? I asked him, “So this girl is the reason why you always don’t have money?” He said, “Don’t take your thing on her. I’m only helping her every once in a while.”
When we had our third child, things started getting harder. He couldn’t give me a penny to pay the hospital bills after I delivered. I had to pay for everything myself. Even baby food, this man gave me a reason why he couldn’t afford it. I kept asking what he uses his money for but his answer had always been the same, “How much is my salary that you always want to feed on it?” My salary was bigger than his. I didn’t expect him to do everything. All I wanted from him was a little support—something that all husbands do for their wives. My husband didn’t do that but was quick to take the credit for everything that happened in the house.
I went through his phone again. I went through his Momo transaction messages and discovered there was one particular number he was sending money to every Monday. I didn’t ask him any questions. The next Monday I checked again and money had been sent to the number. I picked the number before asking him who that person was.
He got angry like he always did whenever he felt cornered. He screamed, “What were you doing on my phone? Why would you go through my phone whenever I’m sleeping? What kind of wife are you that won‘t let her husband live his life without giving him troubles? “It was clear he wasn’t going to answer my questions so I left him off the hook.
One afternoon, I sent GHC50 to that number he had been chatting with. The name that appeared was Patricia. Later I called the number. I said, “Someone asked me to send money to you but I want to be sure if I’d sent it to the right person. Are you Patricia?” She answered, “Yes.” I asked, “Where do you live?” Then she mentioned the hometown of my husband.” I asked, “Am I talking to Efua?” She said, “Yes, this is Efua but who asked you to send me the money?” I said, “She said I shouldn’t mention her name to you.” I cut the line.
I said to myself, “The same girl again. Four years ago, she came up. If after all these years, she’s still around then there’s something to it than meets the eyes. She continued calling me, wanting to know who asked me to send her the money. I kept telling her lies until she stopped calling. One weekend I tried sneaking through my husband’s phone and realized he had changed the password. It took me several weeks of monitoring him until I was able to get the new password.
When I opened their chat, the first thing I saw was a voice note from the girl. She was angry and talking on top of her voice; “It’s not enough! The money you sent didn’t do anything. Akosua is still owing fees. You promised to pay last two months but you haven’t? Do you want me to come to your house? You want your wife to hear about us? You’re making me suffer and I can’t continue to live this way.” My husband’s response to that long voice note was, “I’ve told you to be patient. I’ll settle it soon.”
Going a little further in their chats, I realized my husband has two kids with her—a boy and a girl, and the money he had been sending was meant for their upkeep. All of a sudden, the nine years I’d lived with him felt like a scam. I felt like a fool, taking care of a man who has dreams of his own
The next day, I told him, “I went through your phone again. So in all, you have five kids. Three here and two there with Efua. How long were you going to hide it?” He looked at me like he was seeing a ghost. For several minutes, he didn’t say a word. When he finally spoke, he said, “I was going to tell you one day but not now. The whole thing was a mistake.” I screamed, “A mistake? Both kids were a mistake? Kobby, you think I was born yesterday? “I was crying for weeks while he went around as if nothing had happened. I told him to pack and leave the house since I was the one paying the rent. He asked me, “Pack and go where? I should pack and go because of this small issue?”
READ ALSO: He Competed With The Ghost Of My Ex And Lost
I called his parents and told them the whole story. Surprisingly, the mother knew about it. She said, “He told me he had discussed the whole issues with you and had been solved amicably.” I asked, “So why didn’t you ask me about it?” She said, “Please don’t let this destroy the beautiful union you’ve always had. You know men. They always go out there and bring kids home but what can we do as loving wives?”
The next person I discussed the issue with was my father. He said, “That’s hard my daughter but the two of you are adults and intelligent. Please sit with him and solve it among yourself. Don’t let any third person know about this. In the end, he’s your husband. Don’t leave him for the other woman to take over.”
I’m ready to leave the marriage. I’ve thought about this and believe the best thing for me is to leave but no one in my family is ready to back me up. They keep advising me to find an amicable solution to it. They keep telling me how God hates divorce and they keep reminding me to be stronger and live through it. The sad thing is, my husband continues to live his life as if nothing had happened. As if whatever he did was ok and I’m the one overreacting.
I don’t know what to do and don’t know where to even start from. I’m left to suffer alone while they push me to accept his infidelity as though nothing had happened. Is there anyone here who had gone through such a situation before? How did you deal with it? How did you get your happiness back after all was said and done?