After 7 Years Of Marriage, My Husband Is Asking For Alone Time
We dated for two years before we got married seven years ago. Our beginning was something both of us didn’t anticipate but love has a way of finding you even when you are unprepared. I fell for him long ago before he even had the intention of looking my way. It started as a crush then it got intense. I got closer to him without giving him clues of my feelings. Maybe my feelings leaked at some point but I was always on guard to prevent a complete fall until slowly he came around.
When he proposed and we became an item, we were inseparable. We’ll meet each evening after work and talk about our days. Somedays, we didn’t have enough to say but just seeing each other was enough. We could sit and stare into each other’s eyes without saying much and that was enough for us. For close to two years it was like that. I remember at some point, I moved from my place to go and live with him for weeks. When I finally decided to leave his place, he said, “Why do you have to leave me? Can’t we live together without someone having to leave?”
When you find it hard to live without one another, then it’s time to think of marriage. So I told him that day, “Marry me then. Make me your wife and I will stay here with you without going back.” A year and some months later, I found my left arm under his right armpit as we walked out of the church as a husband and a wife. We had no reason to be apart and for the very first two months of our marriage, we never went a day without sex. It was like the two of us couldn’t resist each other.
We had our first child sooner than anticipated. The second one followed not too long afterward and soon the third one followed. He said, “It’s ok. Time to born and time to raise them. This is the time to raise them.” We put a stop to childbearing so we could concentrate on raising them into better adults.
Our intimacy started declining. We moved from doing it every day to once or twice a week to until-I-beg-for-it. I didn’t complain. Marriage is like that sometimes. Some things change. Other things remain the same, while new things come around each day. I blamed it on growth. I blamed it on having too many responsibilities. I blamed it on familiarity and later blamed it on things I didn’t even know exist.
But we are surviving. We are living life as parents who are raising kids until recently he changed drastically. That change is the reason why I’m sharing our story. It scares me. It makes me wonder what would come next and for some days now, I’ve been thinking of all the things that could go wrong.
Somewhere last year, he started asking for alone time. He would be like, “I’m working on something, can you guys leave me alone? For a while? I need peace of mind for this work.” I thought it was about the work but later it became an everyday demand. One Wednesday night, he told me, “Can you go to your parents with the kids this weekend?” If he asked that I sent the kids to my parents, I would have understood him. I would have thought he needed some alone time with me but he wanted me to go with the kids. I asked, “Why should I go with them?” He said, “I need time for myself and for the work I have to do this weekend.” I know him, he doesn’t have any work that demands that sort of solitude. I didn’t go. It turned into an argument. I didn’t change my stand.
Another time he said, “You’re always home. Can’t you go out once in a while? Make some friends. Have fun sometimes. Leave this marriage life and live your life.” I asked, “Are we going to go out together? And have fun like we used to?” He said, “That’s the point. You shouldn’t live your life with me at the center. I mean do all that without me.”
He didn’t sound like the man I married seven years ago. The man who couldn’t resist me. I started getting worried. When I’m in the hall, he’ll run to the bedroom with his laptop stuck on his lap. When I go to the bedroom, he’ll move to the hall. He doesn’t take part in the lives of our kids. He always wants to be in the corner with himself and talk to no one.
Recently, I went to a program and a guy called me. I looked at him and knew immediately what he was going to say. He said, “Maame, you’re beautiful papa. I’ve been looking at you all evening. Can I have your number? Can we be friends?” I stood still. I looked at him from hair to his toe. If I started life as a bad girl, my firstborn would have been older than him but there he was trying his pickup lines on me. I showed him my ring and walked off. When I came home I told my husband about it so we could laugh. He said, “Why didn’t you give him your number?” I asked, “What did you say?” He said, “Forget it. I said nothing.”
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I have three kids but I’m not looking bad at all. I’ve kept myself very well and have maintained my size. Nothing is lost so I don’t know why my husband would behave that way towards me. Recently, he’ll go out and come back very late. We’ve talked about it. His answer was, “I just want to be alone sometimes.” Recently, I’d found him with friends I never knew he had. We talked about it. He said, “I’m making new friends. You can do the same.” When you leave him alone, he’ll be on his phone all night. We’ve talked about it. He said, “I’m working on my phone.” As if I don’t know his work.
Now I’m scared I’m losing my husband. I feel he had fallen out of love with me but finding it hard to let me know. What scares me the most is his attitude towards the kids. He’s so out of touch with them like a stepdad would do. I’ve had a conversation with our pastor about it. He said, “It’s a phase. Some men don’t do well with an aging relationship. As time goes on, he’ll come back around. Just give him time and space.” He started this over a year ago. So, when is he coming back to normal? I miss our days but I’m not asking him to bring back those days. All I’m asking for is to stop seeking alone time in a union where we are supposed to be together through it all.
I’m losing my mind over this. I’ve done everything within my power to bring him back to normal but the harder I push, the harder he pulls.
I want to know, is it normal for a husband to be like this after seven years of marriage? Is it ok for him to seek alone time and in the process push me to go make new friends? Am I right to be scared? Is he falling out of love with me and our kids?